Wanting Them to Find Something

A glimpse into a life with depression 

One of the biggest struggles I have had with depression is not knowing what I am feeling.
It is such an intangible disease. It has been so difficult for me to understand, to know what I am feeling – let alone articulate it to the community that surrounds me – my friends and family, dissenters. The confusion, the loss of self, not knowing or understanding who I am – this has been the hardest part.

It has also been hard to separate myself from the disease. I would do a mental review of my physical body but nothing felt off or wrong. It was confusing. How could I be in agony when I wasn’t even in physical pain? I often felt like a hypochondriac. I would catch myself in one of these physical reviews wishing for a headache or nausea. I started to realize that when I felt that way it was my body’s way of telling me the depression was really, really hitting me hard mentally. I was trying to connect it to the physical to make sense of it. To turn it into something I understood or was familiar with. Something to give myself a reason I understood for feeling the way I did. Mental agony is so intangible and hard to describe.   

Some of the doctors that I had seen wanted a thorough review. A few of my symptoms didn’t line up. I had a full blood workup, testing for everything from nutrient deficiency to West Nile. I had an MRI of my brain to check for MS or a brain tumour. I had it all. I was not dreading what they would find, but wishing, wanting them to find something and feeling guilty over it. Even brain cancer. I know that sounds ridiculous. 
My grandfather died of brain cancer. So did a friend of mine when she was thirty-two. I felt guilty and stupid but I wanted something tangible. A physical outlet that would allow me to focus on it; to pinpoint something outside of myself. Something to make taking a few months off work, yet again, seem acceptable. Something to fight. To fight with a plan. I know that cancer really only gives the appearance of potential control – only that. But I craved even that much.