My Son Jack

A glimpse into a life with ADHD

Jack was six years old when the notes first started coming home from school. At first they were occasional, maybe one or two per week. When they escalated to every other day, I knew something wasn’t quite right. The gnawing, twisted sensation in my stomach intensified each time I opened his planner. “Jack was disruptive to the teacher and his peers today”…. ”Jack had great difficulty focusing on his tasks during work time today”….”Today Jack made silly noises during inappropriate times; failed to stop when asked multiple times”. Such entries were becoming commonplace. The frustration Jack’s teachers were experiencing was palpable. 

At home, the situation was similar. Jack was having immense difficulty listening, following simple directions and doing as he was told. Even when I looked directly at him and seemingly pronounced each directive slowly and clearly, those beautiful hazel eyes looked anywhere but at my face. The extra energy required to deal with Jack’s antics, and the resulting stress, was wearing on us. I was short with him, yelled constantly, neglected my two daughters and acted combative towards my husband. With a mother’s incessant urge to fix “it”, I did copious amounts of research. We tried reducing the amount of wheat and sugar Jack was consuming. We tried providing more opportunities for him to be active. We tried punishment, stripping away special privileges, and ultimatums. And still, the school notes came. 

I grew angrier, more despondent and inadequate. I was failing my son. Failing to help him secure a successful education. Failing to provide him with a sense of positive self-esteem. Failing to see any meaningful happiness in his little 6 year old life. There was always tension, fighting and anxiety. It was too much. My husband and I finally secured an appointment with a local child psychologist. After the completion of many forms and psychological interpretation, my fears were validated. The behaviour was finally labelled. It was “real”. ADHD. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I was terrified. The “D” word hung in the atmosphere, choking me with its thick grip of judgment and obscurity. 

Drugs. Could I even consider it? What will our friends and family think? What will the teachers think? Would/could this physically or mentally hurt him? Am I a monster for even considering it? My mindset changed from day to day as I wavered between the social implications of pharmacotherapy, and what truly might be best. We tried to persevere, week after week. And then it happened. The proverbial straw finally broke the camel’s back. After a particularly gruelling night of conflict, when I “lost it” and told Jack I was sick and tired of his constant, terrible behaviour, he said it. Through muffled backtalk and tears of abandonment the words came, crushing me like a twenty foot wave of resentment. “You think I am the worst person in the whole wide world. Nobody likes me, not even you”. In that moment, I knew. We had to try a new approach. Nothing else was working, and Jack was spiralling as a result. It wasn’t fair and it couldn’t continue. 

The next day we booked an appointment with our family physician and within a week, we had our Concerta prescription. Methylphenidate. A narcotic. After Jack’s first dose, I waited. Waited, prayed, ruminated, researched more, doubted, cried. Was I doing the right thing? Oh please, God please. Within two weeks, the universe shifted. The angry, raging, distant, frustrated little boy I knew disappeared. In his place, a calm, collected, focused, happy, acceptably active and loving boy came forth. Relief swept over me like the soft sunlight of an early summer morning. I was renewed. 

Thereafter, Jack’s care was transferred to a paediatrician for monitoring. I recall the first visit easily. I explained my concerns regarding the Concerta. What would happen in twenty years? Was I permanently damaging Jack’s body? Could this unintentionally harm him medically in other ways? Will he someday hate me for making such a pivotal decision without his input? After listening intently, Dr. R. offered her support. She explained that our goals were to ensure Jack received a good education, had a healthy level of self-esteem and was able to integrate well within society. These attributes would allow him to make and keep valuable relationships, prepare himself for life challenges and become a successful adult. 

I felt immense gratitude. She understood my struggle. She understood my fears. She understood what I knew in my heart to be true all along. That I want what is best for Jack, always. That my job as his Mom is to make sure he is afforded all of the wonderful opportunities life has to offer. That he doesn’t deserve to be limited because of judgment, or the fears of others (my own included). That each person is unique and has individual needs. That I can no longer care what might happen twenty years from now, because I want him to be happy NOW. That this journey continues to turn me inside out each and every day….because I love him that much.