My Mother

A glimpse into a life with bi-polar

When I was a child my mother created a safe and happy environment within our home. My childhood was full of joy. Although my dad had a busy job and I had four siblings that also needed attention and care, I never felt that I went without these things. My mother put good food on the table three times a day, carpooled us to various activities (music lessons, sports practices and games, church groups and events), kept us all organized and at the same time always affirmed the fact that we were deeply loved. 

It wasn’t until I was much older that I began to be aware of the suffering that my mother lives with on a regular basis. At some point, I can’t remember how, I learned that my mother has bi-polar disorder. Looking back, I can vaguely piece together some moments where I observed this disease having an effect on my mother throughout my childhood. I have a distant memory of being around five or six and seeing my mom crying hysterically on our kitchen floor. I also remember a birthday party where it was explained to me that my grandparents would be coming to help host my group of friends as my mother was not feeling up to it. I now understand that these were some of the lows of my mother’s depression. Now, when my mother is deeply depressed she will often not have the energy to get out of bed or to talk on the phone. Even watching a TV show requires too much effort. She has explained to me that the days feel long and lonely and drawn out. 

In bi-polar disorder, lows periods are cycled with high periods. These times are harder for me to recall when I think back to my childhood but I certainly see them very clearly now that I am older and am more aware. My mom describes her high periods as causing her to have racing thoughts and extreme amounts of energy. My mom goes quickly from one task to the next when she is high which can be exhausting for those around her and sometimes creates problems (like forgetting that the faucet in the bathtub is running or the freezer door has been left open). When she is high she is constantly on the move, changing her plans on a dime and is very set in her ways, regardless of whether there is much logic behind her decisions. When high, my mom can spend 2-4 nights without being able to sleep at all, despite trying many ways to get herself to relax. 

I wrestle with God over my mom’s mental health. Why do some people have to bear so much more suffering in their lives than others? What is the point of her suffering? Why has no medication, counselling, amount of self-discipline, or therapy ever been able to help her recover when some other people with bi-polar disorder are able to recover? 

My mother has a strong faith and I know that she also wrestles with reconciling her suffering with a God that is described as loving and just. However, I believe my mother would also say that her faith has been the reason that she has gotten through her hardest times. My mother reads her Bible daily and posts verses around the house that talk about hope and about God’s goodness and love. These serve as encouragement to my mother. Someday I hope to be able to reconcile my understanding of God with the suffering that some people like my mother have to live through but for now my questions remain. 

My mother is the strongest women that I know and I love her deeply. Perhaps her pursuit of faith and unwavering commitment to God will be the building blocks that will help me find the answers to the questions that remain between Him and me.