Depends Who You Ask

A few months ago, I received a psychiatric assessment. She questioned me, investigating whether I had mood swings, manic episodes, obsessive compulsive tendencies, or major lifestyle changes. I was informed bereavement had been recently added to the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). I was "adjusting." 

Do I have a mental illness? "It depends who you ask.” the psychiatrist responded. I was still engaging in activities I enjoy and I was working. I was – am – functioning. But for how long? Is my perseverance a facade fed by my pride to stay in control? From the moment I wake up I feel like I'm running uphill. My counsellor shares, "Grieving is the equivalent of doing eight hours of physical labour – without the abs." 

"God is in control,” my aunt says over the phone. Romans 8:28 is repeated back to me. "This is not the end,” Brad echoes. Familiar suicidal thoughts from my youth flicker in the background of my mind. It's not worth it. What isn't? The loss, feelings of failure, repeated rejection, his indifference, the weight in my chest? My mind and body flood with doubt, heaviness, negative thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, not seeing God in it all. 

I heavily sob on my knees begging God for the emotional instability to be over, for Him to be enough. I remember the many people praying for our situation. I turn to the pages in my journal set aside to comfort me in crises. I read through the Scripture passages, the miracles in my life and the lives of family members. I recall God's character when people had faith where there was no reason to have any. I play songs which lift my spirit. I believe again that God is working, and the supernatural resilience comes from Him carrying me through. I nurture my relationship with Him by spending time and being honest about where I am. "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience the peace which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7). It's the moments I loosen my grip when I start to feel like I'm drowning again. 

Do I have a mental illness? It depends who you ask, I guess.