A glimpse into a life with anger, depression, suicide
My Dad had a major struggle with both anger and depression. Most of what I remember my reaction being was anger and annoyance that this disrupted our family – usually at times we weren’t expecting. His explosions and depressions kept our entire family on edge – when would the monster show up and scare us – when would he refuse to get out of bed. I loved my Dad and I know for a fact that he loved me – there were so many demonstrations of this I now acknowledge.
He was a committed Christian and contributed at our church in many roles. He made faith a staple in our family – one that has influenced me to this day. All of his (and my mom’s) nine kids and their spouses have remained in the faith to this day. He held down three jobs when I was young and eventually ran his own very successful painting/decorating business. He took his young family from poverty (which as a kid I didn’t understand) to affluence by the time I left high school.
As a kid however, his mental illness was like a ticking time bomb and my mom spent much of her time keeping their nine kids from setting off the explosions or covering for him as he struggled through the valleys of depression. There were times when I was disgusted and angered by his actions. And then I started to gather information, informally, about his life both prior to becoming a husband and father and afterwards.
His own family was a constant stress to him. He worked with his father in two businesses and his own father was such a difficult and unreasonable man, to the point where my Dad had to leave the shared business and start his own. His mom was mentally ill for as long as she was his mother. It all ended one day when he came home to find her in their oven dead from an overdose from the gas of the oven.
His sister and brother were a constant drain on him personally and financially. In reality there was no let up on him from the time he was a child. He had to become the parent in a dysfunctional family – one that never appreciated what he did for them.
My mom and he conceived my older brother out of wedlock, which you can imagine caused lots of disruption to their lives. My mom’s Dad, although having left his wife for another women when my mom was very young, stayed involved in their lives and made my Dad’s life a bit of a living hell. As far as I know there was really no professional or spiritual help offered. He and my mom had to cope with all this on their own.
When I compare how I reacted to my Dad as a kid and young adult with how I know I should have reacted to him, knowing his many struggles in life, I am ashamed of myself. I wish he were still alive so I could tell him, “I get it now - you actually did a wonderful job as a spouse, parent and person. Your struggles were real and the effect was real but somehow through it all you managed to accomplish a lot of good. I do know if my life had been like yours I would not have done as well. I love you please forgive me”.
God help me to show only compassion for those who struggle with any kind of mental illness – including myself.
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