Driving into a Tree

A glimpse into a life with depression and anxiety

Rounding the bend in the woods on my way home alone from the gym I considered driving in to a tree. My three children ranged in age from eleven to seventeen years old. I did not do it, but thought in that moment that I could not go on feeling the way that I was for very much longer.

It’s the kind of suffering you hear that “weaker” people have. One would think that they could control it and they just need to “get a grip”. They used to call it a “nervous breakdown” I think. I never would have dreamed it would happen to me. It was a pain I had never endured before. I had no control over it. On edge, intense physical anxiety pangs, inability to sleep, and depression. Watching a movie my fear would be magnified and I would “feel” it too much.

I got better with time and the help and support of family and friends. I also found that an anti-anxiety drug was very helpful as it let me get some much needed sleep. Then there were also some complementary therapies such as therapeutic massage, acupuncture, and Reiki.

Looking back I understand that I had not paid attention to the stress I had. I was a strong person and stoic, and just plowed through life doing what I felt was necessary. The doctor said I had too much stress in my life. I adamantly denied that, insisting I had no stress in my life…I had it easy! I stayed home with the kids and was well provided for. She claimed there are other kinds of stress. Looking back, yes...she was right.

I am looking forward to the birth of my first grandchild in a couple months and wonder what it will feel like holding the baby in my arms. I’m told it will be a most wonderful feeling.

Until we’ve been in those shoes, we don’t know.