The Building of Conversations

[Please note that these words are out of context and intended to be thought provoking and relational]

It's hard when you don't know what to expect

There is a complete identity change

There is this expectation that I’m suppose to love it

Others were excited for me but I felt a sense of dread

There is so much time sitting in isolation

What did I get myself into?

I miss feeling like we were both contributing financially

I feel a weight of responsibility

I get praised for what I can erase as quickly as possible, how quickly I can get back to the me before this

I feel more like myself again

I want to feel more productive

I have to redefine what normal is

I feel so guilty

I didn't do anything today.

My brain is gone

There is this ideology that you just go back to normal, to be as productive as you used to, be as romantic with your partner…

Christians are sometimes the worst

It makes me want to throw up

I just want to be able to get rid of…

I want to breakdown the ideologies

I don't want to propagate the false ideologies

I feel like I lost value in society, in my family, by not returning to work.

I feel overwhelmed and I’m not even working

What is wrong with me?

I want to go just to get away from…

People don't ask how my day went anymore

The same thing every day, day in and day out, regardless of what day of the week it is

I resent that you get to… not that you like to do it, but you get to do it. That you have the choice.

If… I’m going to be so resentful... 

I do all of it

Why do I feel like I need to now when I didn't before

I'm so sorry, can you please…

I don't want to be inadequate

I'm responsible for…

I felt so much resentment because I couldn't say no

I don't want to be needy 

There is a duality of asking versus being asked

This is the most deep and dark mentally that I have ever been

It's been the people who said, “I’m doing this. I'm coming tonight” that have been most helpful.

I feel like I can only reply on the few people I know really well

The vulnerability is so hard

Do I really need it more than other people?

There is such a loss of identity 

I need help 

I say ‘I'm good, I can do this’ even when I’m not

There is always someone worse off and it robs me of the ability to allow myself to feel entitled to struggle

Am I not allowed to feel how I feel?

It is harder to not let yourself feel the bad days 

I feel like I should be enjoying it all, but don’t

This isn't suppose to happen this way 

Did I do something wrong 

What's wrong with me 

Why won't she…

I don't need anymore help!

Everything should click into place and it should all work.

Now is the time you think about losses 

I think about all the people we have in our lives 

I just want to be cared for

I suffer the dichotomy of wanted her around more than ever, but when she's around, it's more draining

I worry about everything with her

I started second guessing my doctor. Should I being do that?

You have to trust people

I need to learn to trust my instincts

The loss of control was devastating

It was so painful

I felt robbed

I felt such a disconnect 

My view of God changed. I blamed him, You put me through this!

This is God teaching me to lose control

Why do I still try to control it

The fatigue just takes over

What did I do all day

I don't want to have to

I want this to be different from the other times in my life

I don't have any motivation 

I only want to be away from it

I can't really justify it

It's disorder 

It affects everything 

I have to find the new normal